Am I cold, callous & judgmental–or warm and caring?
This is a series of emails in which the writer first thought I was cold and callous, but after which she realized that I am, as she put it, the polar opposite. It’s a wonderful exchange.
Dear Doug,
I am in utter disbelief that such cruel and heartless methodology could have come this far as to support not only a website, but book(s).
I work in the medical field, and at one time married to an addict. I see addiction on a daily basis, and have witnessed first hand, the devastating aftermath addiction creates. Are you unaware however, who suffers greatest from this “biological genetic disorder?” None other than the addict himself. And your advice suggests to further hurt, torture really, this individual who had the misfortune to be born with this predisposition of addiction.
Let’s imagine shall we, that you have become ill. Relief only comes to you in the form of a “capsule” you ingest. First off, would you not take the capsule? Without it, a day does not pass that you do not suffer. Every day, for the rest of your life. With the capsule, you find relief, however because you are ill, your boss fires you, your wife divorces you, your friends, parents, and children will not acknowledge you. Strangers scoff in your direction; and this all due to advice given by a man, who claims to have the answers regarding addiction.
You have also successfully gathered a list of negative behaviors the addict is to possess. I find this to be blatantly incorrect and misguided, bordering on stereotypical. (Have you heard any blonde jokes lately?)
I can not believe that you have fully considered the catastrophic outcome of your advice to disengage any and all activity with persons who suffer from the debilitating DISEASE, that’s right, DISEASE, addiction?
I understand the need to diffuse enabling the addict; as I am convinced “Tough Love” is an essential factor in promotion of sobriety, however, what you suggest is much different. What you suggest is cruel. Have you no love in your heart for your fellow man, or do you just hate addicts? You, yourself could not be an addict, and suggest such harsh treatment to others like yourself, unless- with sobriety you have become judgemental and hippocritical, in which case, you would not be “recovering,” only existing, taking out your anger on persons enjoying what you can not.
I truly am interested in how and why you came to feel as you do.
My qualifications are as follows:
I became a nurse with the intention of working in behavioral medicine, focusing on addiction, was married to an addict, have a brother in school studying Psychology, another brother who is a cop, female cousin recently sent to prison for 40 years for the sale of methamphetamine, and whose family tree includes my grandfather who blew his own head off, due to someone’s great idea to disengage themselves from him.
Please reconsider what you propose. Either way, please write back so that I may understand why you believe as you do.
Debra
Dear Debra:
I propose what seems harsh, Debra, it’s what works. How do I know? Hundreds of interviews with recovering addicts. When sober long enough and when we dig deep enough, we discover that what you call “cruel,” and what I call “uncompromising” tough love offered by close persons or the law, is what got them sober.
But I really can’t explain this in a paragraph, or even two or three. That’s why I’ve authored four books on alcoholism. Try reading them. You can start with the intro to my new book Alcoholism Myths and Realities, available on the web site.
Debra responded:
Doug,
Thank you for your quick response. Yes, I will buy your books, only because I am hoping what I have read here, is what I read in your books. I would be saddened to think that you spent all this time and effort in such an important endeavor, only to find that it has transformed you into an opposing figure to ADDICTS, rather than to ADDICTION. It is the disease that is the enemy, not the person. In this e-mail it sounds as though you very well may be caring for the “addict.” In prior readings I interpreted you as caring about protecting “the public” FROM the addict. Even your titles are suggestive of that. Drunks? You call them drunks. Isn’t that somewhat offensive? Even though my experiences have been in dealing primarily with drug addiction, I worked many years as a bartender. You never called them a drunk. Alcoholic, yes, even lush, but never refer them as a drunk.
I also read that your interest was sparked by a relationship in which you were hurt by an addict. I am sorry for that. We have all been hurt one way or another by addiction, I am afraid. Some of us worse than others. Your hurt obviously runs deep.
You are absolutely right about some things, Doug. That is why I find it extremely important to try to make you aware, if you are already not, of the plight of the PERSON suffering from the insatiable grip of addiction, which is inherent. Please take pity upon the addict, Doug. You have no idea how difficult it is for the addict to simply take a breath, as evidently I have become aware. Which brings me to my last question. It is quite apparant you speak of the early-stage addict, but what of the late ones? Are we to forget about them? Are they only trash to be forgotten, as it is nearly impossible to change their behaviors? I am sure you have the statistics. Thanks again.
Sincerely,
Debra
Dear Debra,
I’m delighted you are open minded about my views and, seemingly, about addiction. Yes, I oppose addiction. However, the non-addict must protect him or her self. This serves two purposes. First, the non-addict won’t go crazy, bankrupt or suffer injury or worse. Second, the process of protecting oneself against the crazy, unethical or criminal behaviors of the addict in effect disenables the addict, which is essential to the process of driving the addict into a program of sobriety.
As for “drunks,” I guess you’ve attended few if any AA meetings. They call themselves “drunks.”
As for my hurt running deep, it did at the time. That’s what drove me to understand addiction–I decided I wasn’t going to go through that again. The idea for the books came long after I was “over” the addict. However, I am still not “over” the idiot therapists who don’t get it, including the two who counseled me and my fiancée for the better part of two years. Never once did either suggest the possibility that, perhaps, my fiancée had relapsed into her addiction (she was in recovery for thirteen years before we met; she had relapsed a year or two prior; looking back, she was obviously struggling to get sober on my account for the first six months of our relationship).
As for the person suffering from addiction, they do not suffer until middle-to-late stages. In the early stage, they truly feel like they are god. Just ask one in recovery–not one with two or three years sober, but instead one with ten or fifteen years. If you don’t get that answer, ask again, in a different way. And then persist, because they don’t always, at first, realize that since they acted godlike, they must have thought of themselves as little gods. (BTW, you’ll learn what “euphoric recall” means; relate this to “godlike”.)
And if we nip it in the bud in the early stages, we won’t have nearly as many late-stage addicts.
Be gentler on the late-stage ones, but coerce them, too, into abstinence. Only from abstinence is sobriety possible. And if they’re on the street, ask them why they aren’t at an AA meeting. They will respond, “I am no alcoholic!” Then ask, “then why are you here?” Do it again and again with the same drunk and maybe, just maybe, he or she will ask you where an AA meeting might be found.
Thanks for your very thoughtful response, Debra.
And her response, in which she melted in my arms:
Doug~
I had to work last night, and came home to find your e-mail. This will be my last e-mail to you, as I found it much easier to write someone whom I believed was cold, callous, and judgmental. I now believe that to be the polar opposite. You are warm, caring, and though your wounds may appear healed, I feel the pain still exists; as you are passionate in your quest to protect other non- addicts ( like yourself) from addicts (like me.) I stated in my previous e-mail that I was once married to an addict. This was true. Everything I wrote to you was true. I neglected however, to inform you that I, too, am an addict. I am, I suppose, what you would so easily label a Late- addict. I feel it necessary to write this to you in hopes that I can still in some way change your mind and heart about your feelings towards me and others like me. This is extremely painful for me, and given your deep-seated feelings, I am afraid you will read this halfheartedly, believing nothing, as you have already experienced the great lies that we addicts can so easily let slide through our lips. We are not all the same, you know. Not all addicts are evil, not all hurt others; quite the contrary. There are a few of us who hurt no one, no one that is, unless we are to count ourselves. I am sorry, I need to recant. I can’t honestly say that I have hurt no one but myself, that would be a lie. I hurt my family. My mother, three brothers, and one sister. They have since told me that the reason they never “dabbled with partying” was because they saw the mess I had created for myself, and learned early on the consequences of such choices. I believe they were trying to make me feel less guilty about what I had become; however, there is nothing anyone can say that could ease the pain or guilt I feel .
What can I say to you to make you understand, when I myself have no understanding. There is just a few points I want to bring to your attention if you will allow me. I have no excuses for the poor choices I have made. I will not insult you or embaress myself by laying my childhood out, so that one can blame sexual or physical abuse for the choices that I myself have made. No one else. It was a choice I made 25 years ago, when I was 15, and old enough to know that what I was doing was wrong. I can not blame my mother, for she did the best that she could, with what she had been given, which was a father who would sneak into her room at night, and beat her in the day. How could my mother possibly know that the mate she so unwittingly brought home, was a mirror image of her father. Nor do I blame the infinite number of doctors that I have been made to parade in front of, who would look at my self -inflicted wounds, and apply such labels as bipolar, unipolar, acutely depressed,manic depressive . The solution: drugs. Labels. I have wore labels for as long as I can remember. And now I wear another. Now I wear a label I myself have pinned to my own chest. A label I hide from others, as I am afraid and ashamed that no one will see Debra, they will not see the woman who holds their hand as they cry about lost loves, the woman who wipes the forehead of the sick she tends, will not see the woman whom they can tell all without the fear of being judged, the woman who feels sad for the suicide attempts, who feels sad for the drug overdoses, feels sad for the detoxing alcoholic. The patients no one wants to care for, the patients so easy to hate.
I am unsure at this point that you, too, Doug, can see me, as you know the label I wear. Perhaps you deleted this from the time you seen it, and all this would be in vain.
I go back to work shortly, and I am going to have to think up one of the addicts great lies to explain as to why my eyes are swollen and bloodshot. I only hope to stop crying by then.
I will end by telling you that I haven’t drank or touched drugs for over 12 years. Not that it matters, as so many people feel as you do. An addict is an addict is an addict. Who cares that we have anything at all to offer, you and others like you, want nothing to do with it, as you look at us with eyes full of contempt and disgust. Do you think we can not see the way in which you look at us? Do you not think we can hear the contempt in your voice? Do you think we can not see the way you turn away ? And yet, we are suppose to become and remain clean, when we are left with no one, nothing? We are left with nothing, receiving acceptance from nothing, except the very drug which has brought us to this place. What would you expect to do?
Will I remain clean? I will save one of the great lies for some one else, Doug. I don’t know. Everyday is a new day, a new struggle. If I have helped one person, than I will feel my life was not in vain. I wished that person were you. I only wished that I could help you hurt and hate less, be less afraid of people like me, who need no help in experiencing pain. More often than not, It is a struggle just to draw a breath. I am sorry.
Sincerely,
Debbi
(everyone calls me Debbi)
I love recovering addicts and have no fear of them. My contempt is reserved for the therapists and others who perpetuate myths about addiction. Just look at all the doctors Debra was paraded in front of, who didn’t have a clue about the underlying source of all the problems.
On another note, the siblings didn’t “dabble” with partying either because they didn’t inherit addiction, or because they never took their first drink.