Put your old drinking friends and old drinking life behind you.
Now that I’m sober, my friends are no longer friendly
Dear Doug:
I formed close friendships with a group of women who became my bridesmaids, confidants and associates in my career. We raised our children together and celebrated together—a lot.
Nearly eight years ago I stopped drinking. Though my friends cheered me on initially, they dropped me when, in early sobriety, I didn’t attend their champagne brunches and ladies’ happy hours, doing what I had to do to stay sober.
They are smart women. I thought they grasped the idea of addiction when they conspired in an intervention for another friend.
I miss my friends and have invited them over, but they have generally snubbed my invitations and have never reciprocated. Do you think there is any way to reconnect with them?
Signed,
Sober, but missing my friends from the old life
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might tell you just as your drinking affected others, so does your sobriety. They would correctly remind you that you are not the person your friends knew long ago, and they might not be able to adjust. They would suggest you simply and bluntly tell them your feelings—that you would love to enjoy dinner and music with them and would like very much to reconnect.
Other columnists wouldn’t quite get to the crux of the problem. The hint is, “they might not be able to adjust.” Why not? Because you’re sober and they may not be sober.
The clues to this are embedded in your letter: you “celebrated together—a lot,” with frequent “champagne brunches and ladies’ happy hours,” which I’ve a hunch isn’t just for the inexpensive appetizers and camaraderie. Your girlfriends were heavy drinkers and, therefore, possibly alcoholic ones like you. As I’ve pointed out in my works largely focusing on spotting hidden addicts (Drunks, Drugs & Debits and How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics), birds of a feather doesn’t apply just to birds. Alcoholics often hang out together. They can’t adjust because your sobriety will force them to consider their own drinking, which flies in the face of what they want to do—to continue drinking addictively.
You mentioned they are “smart” women. As you well know, “smart” has nothing to do with addiction. Addiction is a biological process that is genetically inherited—just as your hair or eye color is. And, being involved in an intervention doesn’t preclude addiction. Interventionists tell us there’s almost always at least one alcoholic among the conspiring members in every intervention, and sometimes even one who is prompted to ponder the possibility they’ve got a problem too.
In your sobriety, you’ve developed new friends. Focus on those. Let your old friends know you are still available, especially if they ever need a helping hand. They may come to you for the help they likely need and you can offer it, along with your experience, to them.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, June 15, 2012.)