An emotional roller-coaster
Dear Doug: Long married to an alcoholic
Dear Doug:
I’ve been married for 24 years, spending that time raising our five children and tending to our family business. Two years ago when he was 45, my husband, “Rick,”retired from the business, promising he’d find other work to make up for an expected reduction in income. After failing to find other work, he returned to manage the business, which is suffering.
Rick has experienced depression, anger and alcoholism, which is still there. I’m tired of an emotional roller coaster and while ready to leave, I am unsure about my rights in regard to the business, which we have agreed to sell. In the meantime, I’ve taken a promising job with a good salary. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of the emotional roller coaster
. . . . .
Dear Tired,
Other columnists might suggest you seek the services of a marriage counselor to help you decide whether the marriage is worth saving and an attorney to let you know your rights in regards to the business. Such columnists might explain that some men become severely depressed after retirement, and that you might consider waiting it out while he discovers that his skills could be valuable in some other occupation, providing a renewed sense of self-worth. Incredibly, these columnists might ignore the role of alcoholism in creating all the problems you describe and fail to suggest seeking the services of a qualified interventionist.
Your emotional roller coaster didn’t just begin. You’ve been dealing with psychological ups and downs ever since you married. Rick’s depression, anger, decision to retire at age 45 when not financially able and failure to obtain other work are all behavioral manifestations of his alcoholism. Before other issues can be effectively treated, he must get sober.
Try as he might, he cannot renew his sense of self-worth while a practicing alcoholic. Your marriage cannot, nor should it, be saved if he refuses to enter a program of sobriety. Though late in the game, it is never too late to get sober”and you might just discover, after waiting a year or two, that the marriage is worth saving.
In the meantime, watch the kids for behavioral indications of alcoholism. Since the odds of any one child inheriting this disease are roughly 40%, the probabilities are far higher that one or more of your five children have inherited addiction. Should you find it, intervene now”before someone else repeats your mistake.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, August 6, 2005.)