Dear Doug: Why does he/she financially abuse me, and could a gorgeous woman be an alcoholic?
There were several letters to advice columnists over the last couple months involving the financial abuse of others. The idea that the perpetrator is compelled to wield such power due to biochemistry that processes drugs in a way that causes an inflated sense of self-importance leads to identical cures: stop the enabling and, wherever possible, intervene.
Live off the government
Dear Doug:
My husband’s mother, sister and brother-in-law recently moved nearby. I am appalled by their continuous search for better ways to live off the government and find that I am increasingly sickened in their presence. What can I do when there are family events that I have to attend?
Signed,
Morally Indignant
. . . .
Dear Indignant,
Other columnists would likely suggest that you continue to tolerate them because they are family and you should agree to disagree and be civil, if only for your husband’s sake. This is utter nonsense. Inform your husband that you refuse to enable by being their sounding board and audience while they inflate their egos by bragging about their exploitation of others (i.e., the taxpaying public). If you are in a position to do so without getting credit, blow the whistle on this unethical and perhaps criminal crew. In the meantime, educate your husband about alcoholism and intervention.
High school dropout
Dear Doug:
My daughter’s husband has worked a total of eight days in the six months of their young marriage. He talks about getting a job and even once told my daughter he was going to work when there was no workplace to go to. My daughter has racked up $18,000 in debt since marrying this loser. How can I help her realize this grown up is too emotionally immature to remain in a marriage?
Signed,
Frustrated Mom
. . . .
Dear Mom,
Other columnists would probably assert that all you can do is let your daughter know you love her and hope the husband will grow up. Sorry, but addicts”and regardless of whether you see him drink, he likely drinks addictively”cannot grow up until they become sober. And there’s no reason for him to get sober so long as your daughter enables him by being there and taking on more of his debt. Tell her if she really loves him she will give him a choice: her or the bottle. While your suggestion might fall on deaf ears, as her financial and personal conditions worsen she could become increasingly receptive. In the meantime, watch for signs of physical abuse. If any are found, immediately report him to authorities.
My mom, the liar
Dear Doug:
My mother lives with me in my home. I pay all the bills, including those for her frequent spending sprees. Yet, mom tells friends that I live in her home on which she pays the mortgage. She even has the gall to tell people that she pays all my bills. She does everything possible to make me look like an idiot and makes it appear that she is behind all my successes at work and home. Is her behavior rooted in some sort of jealousy or does she just have a need to be mean?
Signed,
Puzzled Son
. . . .
Dear Son,
Other columnists might say that some people lie because they are ashamed of the truth, while others do so to make themselves seem important or win at some sort of competition. Such columnists might lean towards the idea that she’s simply a compulsive liar and that only a therapist can figure out the reason, not a columnist who doesn’t know her. Yet, while she might have a need to inflate her ego because she “just does,”the odds are this sick need is rooted in alcohol or other-drug addiction. Such a tentative diagnosis, for which we can ascribe 80% odds, can be made without knowing anything else about her. And by the way, stop financing her spending sprees!
Finally, here’s a letter to which the columnists respond by suggesting the alcoholic is capable of self-diagnosis.
Gorgeous Alcoholic
Dear Doug:
I’m afraid that my gorgeous daughter is becoming an alcoholic despite a wonderful family and terrific career. She thinks it’s ok to drink excessively because she has, according to her, high tolerance and never looks drunk. Would you please list the signs of alcoholism?
Signed,
Concerned Mom
. . . .
Dear Mom,
Other columnists might list the signs given by AA, which have the person under scrutiny ask questions about his or her own thinking or behaviors. Such questions include, “Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week, but could only do so for a couple of days?”and “Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?”Such questions are meaningless for the practicing alcoholic, who not only may be able to stop drinking for months at a time or drinks most of the time without causing trouble, but may be incapable of connecting the dots due to euphoric recall (under which she perceives everything she does through self-favoring eyes). You have obviously seen trouble in your daughter’s life or you wouldn’t ask the question. And high tolerance is symptomatic of addiction”consider another gorgeous addict, actress Elizabeth Taylor, who didn’t enter rehab until after her sixth marriage and who could drink one of her better-known drinking companions, actor Richard Burton, under the table. Of course your daughter has alcoholism”and it’s time to conspire with your son-in-law, her friends and whoever else will agree to aid in a formal intervention, before tragedy happens.
(Source for story ideas: Annie’s Mailbox, March 27 and April 11, 2006; Dear Abby, April 5, 2006; Annie’s Mailbox, April 26, 2006.)