Everyone’s enabling–subjecting the child to great risk
Dear Doug: Closet Abuser
Dear Doug:
My wife, with whom I am going through a divorce and battling over custody of our 7-year-old, would love take my child away. If I asked for proof of paternity, she might succeed, because she continuously cheated on me and the child might not be mine. She wants alimony and child support, which she would lose if our son is proven to be someone else’s, and I don’t bring it up.
The trouble is my wife provides no supervision for our child when he is with her. He goes for days without bathing or even changing clothes, he’s lucky to get macaroni for dinner and he has been seen by neighbors in her front yard at 3 a.m. while she’s asleep, intoxicated, or not even home. I am the only stable influence in my son’s life and do not want to report the situation to Child Protective Services for fear she will have a paternity test. Neighbors have only gone so far as to tell my wife’s mother of the neglect, but in her eyes, my wife can do no wrong. Please help me.
Signed,
Father of a Neglected Child
. . . .
Dear Father,
Other columnists might suggest you could be awarded custody even if you are not the biological parent, that you document proof of neglect and that you talk to your lawyer. They’d even mention that your son’s safety is paramount. But there is much more that you need to understand so that you can take action with a clear conscience.
Your child is not simply neglected. He is experiencing psychological abandonment of the highest order, which is emotional abuse, along with physical abuse at least to the extent he is not getting proper nutrition or sleep. Your wife appears to be sexually promiscuous, even to the point of leaving your 7-year-old at home alone in the middle of the night. This is typical of households in which there is a poly drug addict, particularly one who uses methamphetamine.
You need to understand that there is no coaxing or arguing or logical discourse possible with your wife. She needs consequences and she needs them now, before it is too late. Document everything you can and take it to your lawyer, law enforcers and Child Protective Services. And read Drunks, Drugs & Debits: How to Recognize Addicts and Avoid Financial Abuse, which will give you the gut feel for addiction that you desperately need and help you understand that your wife is capable of any deviant behavior while she is a practicing addict. Only then will you be able to uncompromisingly disenable.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, June 2, 2006.)