“He’ll Never Change” (Yes, He Will, but only with the right motivation)
Dear Doug: He’ll Never Change
Dear Doug:
I’m losing my patience with my husband. He calls almost every week night near the end of the work day to tell me he’s going out for a beer. Most of his drinking buddies are single guys, but one is a young single divorcee from his office. He often drives home as late as 10 or 11 at night and is sometimes almost incoherent. He’s already had one bad incident on the way home and was able to buy his way out of it.
My counselor has told me he’s not going to change. I’m hurt, jealous and afraid. His behavior tells me he’d rather be out drinking than come home to a wonderful meal I always have waiting. I even do everything to make me and our home look good when he comes home. Maybe if he sees this letter, he’ll shape up.
Signed,
Feeling Ignored and Unloved
. . . .
Dear Serious Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that before you file for divorce, try Al-Anon for friends and relatives of alcoholics. This suggests they are tiptoeing around the idea that the man’s an alcoholic. They may, incredibly, say nothing else.
We shouldn’t tiptoe around the obvious, especially when concerned for your safety, as well as that of others. A failure to be blunt prevents many from drawing a fine line in the sand. The slow bleeding of love for such a man almost invariably ends in a permanent dissolution of the relationship and a continuation of the disease, which can only end in further tragedy.
Let me be absolutely blunt. Your husband has the disease of alcoholism, which causes egomania. This results in, among other things, egocentric and incredibly inconsiderate behaviors. Talking, threatening, cajoling and counseling will do nothing to stop the progression of this disease, from which we should assume all of his misbehaviors result. The frightening aspect to it is there is no way to know how much more destructive he may become, or when. Adultery and infecting you with STDs are possible, as is violence, financial disarray and a DUI resulting in manslaughter.
But change, he might”with the right motivation. The one thing that will cause the symptoms to dissipate is sobriety. He needs to be offered no pleasant alternative to a life in which he will never again drink. While you are preparing for an intervention led by a professionally certified interventionist, separate yourself financially in case he commits manslaughter while driving home. With the approval of your attorney, tell your insurer to immediately terminate all joint insurance. Since the legal system might more easily coerce abstinence, try to alert authorities as to his whereabouts when you believe he is driving while plastered. And to help you feel good about taking these actions and for ideas on more moves to take, pick up a copy of Drunks, Drugs & Debits and read it cover to cover.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, October 26, 2006.)