I’d like my husband to slow down…He’s a road terrorist!
Dear Doug: Road Terrorist
Dear Doug:
My husband drives as if he were crazed. While a superb driver, he is very aggressive and creates dangerous situations”with me and the kids in the car”that require excellent driving to pull out of. He seems to have a need to always be ahead of everyone else. I beg him to slow down and he gets angry with me for being upset, showing a lack of regard for my wishes and feelings. He drove all of us to a friend’s a few days ago and we haven’t spoken since. Am I asking too much of him?
Signed,
Terrified in the Shot-Gun Position
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might say that your husband sees his driving as an extension of his masculinity, with which he takes pride. While admittedly immature, he may continue to refuse, in which case they’d suggest you take separate cars. While wasting gas, it may save your lives.
Were it only so simple.
Your husband is indeed immature, but not because he has a need to show off his masculinity. More likely, he is immature because his emotional growth was stunted the day he triggered alcoholism.
You may scoff. However, think about when he drinks. No, he doesn’t beat you, he hasn’t lost his job and he pays his bills. But doesn’t he get just a bit more boisterous? Isn’t it possible that if you were to insist on taking separate cars, his immaturity would boil over into a more obvious need to control you and the kids in other ways?
Mature men don’t need to let you know they are masculine. They don’t have a need”at the risk of destroying the family”to be in front, on top, a NASCAR driver or aggressive, certainly while putting his family at risk. Mature men pay attention to the needs of their spouse and children. Anything else”including the numerous signs of immature behaviors you describe”are symptomatic of alcoholism.
I once drove with such a driver. I vowed never to drive with him again. It was the only symptom that I ever saw of what could have been alcoholism. Years later, his spouse told me he’d entered a program of recovery.
The fact that you didn’t mention anything about his drinking doesn’t mean he isn’t an addictive drinker. You would have no idea that the drinking and behaviors might be linked. However, there is one possible alternative: that he does not have alcoholism. If, after reading my first book, Drunks, Drugs & Debits, you conclude that he is definitely not alcoholic, look to his parents. Even if an odd way of doing so, he may be compensating for psychological abandonment as a child. A related hypothesis is that his reckless need to endanger the lives of his family was learned from a parent. In either case, he needs counseling to help him understand where he learned his poor behaviors. With the right counseling, IF he’s not alcoholic, he will probably unlearn these childish misbehaviors rather quickly. If he has the disease of alcoholism, reading Drunks, Drugs & Debits will allow you to offer a dose of uncompromising tough love with a clear conscience.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, January 3, 2007.)