Dear Doug: What do a raging daughter, a 15-year-old party girl and a 45-year-old committing elder abuse have in common?
Daughter abuse
Dear Doug:
Last year our family attended a large party given by my daughter and son-in-law. Having previously borne the brunt of my daughter’s violent temper, we hesitated to stay overnight—but did. Big mistake.
The next morning, the swearing and raging at her father left him in tears. There was no contact between them until I received a long email from my daughter almost begging for a sign from her father that he wants her in his life. I forwarded the email to my husband and, hoping this was an opening for renewed contact, he called her. She immediately went into a rant about how he has ruined her life and slammed the phone in his ear. He was devastated.
I’ve suggested to her that she seek counseling, but she insists it’s all her father’s fault and he’s the one who needs help. Can you help me put my family back together again?
Signed,
In the Middle
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Dear Codependent,
Other columnists would suggest that, although your daughter has “mental health” issues, your husband should write her a letter simply saying he loves her and hopes they can be closer. They would rightly say she’s a ticking time bomb and that it serves no purpose to communicate more than briefly until she admits she needs help.
Such columnists would send your daughter to counseling. However, the odds of alcohol or other-drug addiction are at least 80%. If she’s an addict, counseling will serve only to enable her misbehaviors. Many recovering addicts admit that their biggest enablers were counselors, who are easily bamboozled because they are either unable to identify likely addicts or are not given the tools to properly deal with them.
She likely was coming down off the booze from the party, when alcoholics are particularly susceptible to rage due to blood vessel constriction, a drop in blood glucose, a decrease in brain amines, serotonin and norepinephrine, and wildly fluctuating levels of hormones, enzymes and body fluids. Although her behavior hasn’t (yet) reached criminal levels, as I point out in Drunks, Drugs & Debits (p. 93), “Too often, the crime occurs when the addict is not under the influence or is coming down, when suffering is at its worst.” The same is true of other misbehaviors.
Behavioral clues to alcoholism are clearly evident in your letter. They include propitious use of foul language (clue # 2, under “A Supreme Being Complex,” in How to Spot Hidden Alcoholics), verbally abusing her father (clue # 26 in the same section), blaming her father for all of her problems (clue # 2 in the chapter on “Poor Judgment”), obvious resentment of her father (clue # 3, which follows from blame) and slamming the phone down in her father’s ear ( “reverse telephonitis,” clue # 23 under “Supreme Being Complex”).
The odds are that until your daughter gets clean and sober, counseling will serve only to prolong the awful behaviors. Begin the process of arranging an intervention. Start today.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, May 22, 2009.)
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And, a bonus story:
Party time for teens at the ex-wife’s house
Dear Doug,
My 15-year-old daughter splits time between my house and my ex-wife’s. She often attends parties and sleepovers where the parents provide drinks for the kids, some of whom are younger than my daughter. These parents see nothing wrong with it. “We may as well provide a safe place for the kids.” Worse, my ex-wife agrees. I’ve thought of calling authorities, but hesitate to escalate things to that level. What do you think?
Signed,
Good dad
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that parents talk to their children honestly and openly about the hazards of drinking. Because I understand that kids are going to get their hands on booze regardless and know well the futility of prohibition, I am torn.
However, the fact that your wife is an ex- is suggestive. Roughly 40% of divorces involve an alcohol or other-drug addict in at least one spouse. Since you are clearly not, your ex- may well be. If so, your daughter, who appears to have an unusual propensity to hang out with alcoholics and children of same, may have inherited her mother’s disease.
I would investigate your daughter’s behaviors at these parties. Show up unexpectedly with cell phone in hand. If any behaviors are occurring that are inappropriate for 15-year-olds, phone the police and remove your daughter. If your daughter appears to have early-stage alcoholism, take her—forcibly—to rehab.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, May 17, 2009.)
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And, because we shouldn’t pick only on Annie, here’s one from Amy:
Financially irresponsible brother-in-law
Dear Doug:
Dave, my 45-year-old brother-in-law, has always been financially irresponsible. But it’s getting worse.
After filing for bankruptcy a few years ago, he and his second wife began living rent-free with my 90-year-old father-in-law, Arthur. Now Dave is depleting Arthur’s savings.
Although he’s never lived with us, a collection agency recently left a message on our answering machine asking that Dave pay his bills. I have no idea how they got our phone number, but I think we should tell Dave about this call and suggest he take steps to become financially responsible. My husband says it’s none of our business. Who’s right?
Signed,
Trying to do what’s right for both Dave and Arthur
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest that your husband knows more than he is letting on. He may have agreed to cosign for a loan with his brother, which could account for the fact that the collection agency had your phone number. They’d tell you to contact the agency and find out just how entangled your finances are with Dave’s. They’d also implore you to do whatever you can to influence Arthur to protect what is his.
This is excellent advice. However, there are few if any instances of this degree of financial abuse independent of alcohol and other-drug addiction. If such addiction is at the bottom of Dave’s misbehaviors, he will do whatever it takes to protect his source of income. Your logic and common sense will be no match for his lies and manipulations. Therefore, you need to strike at the likely core. After (hopefully) confirming that your husband is not a co-alcoholic, educate your husband about alcoholism and do everything you can to create a united front against Dave. He needs to be made to experience all the pain you can inflict, including (if you can) being thrown out of Arthur’s home. One idea might be to get Social Services involved by proving elder abuse. I’ll leave other ideas to your imagination. Nothing should be left off the table.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, May 4, 2009.)