A gift from God, even if only for a year.
Dear Doug,
My 44-year-old husband of 19 years died of cancer only a few months ago. While he was kind, funny and talented, he was also an alcoholic. The last year of his life was the best because he got sober and focused on our relationship.
My husband’s family is dysfunctional and disconnected from each other. Except for his mother, he wasn’t close to any of them. Though she’s kind and sensitive, she’s anxious and depressed. She is divorced from my father-in-law, who is also an alcoholic.
Time heals, and I no longer have the deep-rooted grief that his family still has. I’m trying to move on with my life. How do I tell the in-laws that their grief is a downer and I really don’t want to keep in touch with them any longer?
Signed,
Ready to move on
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might suggest you don’t have to be rude to your in-laws in order to see less of them and that when visits or phone calls occur, be gracious and recommend grief counseling and The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) at 877-969-0010 for the parents.
Such columnists wouldn’t touch the idea that his family is likely filled with alcoholics and that the reason they are less able to deal appropriately with grief is because of either direct or indirect alcoholism.
Alcoholics tend to exhibit extreme emotional reactions. As James Graham explains in his Secret History of Alcoholism, “The same people who get extremely upset over imagined slights and have crying jags when drinking are incapable of normal emotional responses to real events.” People closely involved with alcoholics, too, can become similarly emotionally messed up.
Alcoholics cannot be effectively counseled. While The Compassionate Friends is an excellent source for healthy non-addicted people who have lost a child, addicts waste the group’s time and money. The family likely consists of numerous alcohol and other-drug addicts. While I might be somewhat adventuresome and actually tell the next overemotional caller that you’d be delighted to escort him to either an AA or Al-Anon meeting, most people would be better off by simply explaining you can’t talk now. Keep repeating, until they get tired of calling.
By the way, you experienced an opportunity few are ever offered: a year in a life with a sober alcoholic, after having suffered with him for years. You say he was kind, funny and talented, while admitting that the year of sobriety was the best one of your marriage. Perhaps you could use this in any brief chats with the family: “I miss him, too, especially since he got sober in the last year. It really was a remarkable year, too, because he was no longer the center of his universe. I finally saw what a truly wonderful man he really was.” Any alcoholic will readily agree with you, rave at how wonderful it is that he got sober, get off the phone and start drinking and, perhaps, never call you again. Just a thought.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, July 5, 2009.)