Party-hardy momma
Dear Doug: Party-hardy momma
Dear Doug:
My mother owns a successful business, but she’s hanging out with a crowd of divorcees who drag her to bars. We share a car and I suspect her of smoking, which she denies. After dad leaves for work at night I see mom doing a lot of drinking. When I confront her about my concerns, she makes up excuses and goes further to hide her problems and booze. I’m told that people abuse alcohol because they are depressed, but we had a great family life until recently. What do you suggest I do?
Signed, Concerned Daughter
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Dear Concerned Daughter,
Other columnists might suggest that while your parents need professional help, you should talk to a school counselor or adult relative you can trust to provide emotional support and help you express your concerns to your parents. However, you have already seen how far such expressions got you.
Your mother’s friends are able to “drag”her to bars because she has the disease of alcoholism. She has been able to control the drinking and deterioration in her personal life because she has, until now, successfully inflated her ego through her success at work. However, as the disease progresses and neurotransmitter activity in the brain begins to falter, she will become increasingly less able to do this and more obvious in her affliction. Those who have told you that people abuse alcohol because of depression have cause and effect reversed. Instead, alcoholism causes a deterioration of family life and, oftentimes, what appears to be Depressive Personality Disorder. While the odds that she is smoking as you suspect are 90%, that is a far lesser concern than her alcoholism. Besides, she will not be able to quit smoking until she stops drinking.
All of your efforts should be concentrated on helping your mother experience the logical consequences of her misbehaviors. The possibilities are endless and dependent upon circumstances, but must be carefully synchronized with a professionally-aided intervention. For an intervention to work, you, your father, and everyone else close to your mom need to understand alcoholism. Only then will your mother’s enablers stop protecting her from consequences and allow her to experience pain, improving the odds that intervention will get her into rehab, giving her a chance at long term sobriety.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, May 28, 2005.)