A mom who makes unreasonable threats is alomost surely on something.
Mother controls via ultimatums
Dear Doug:
My partner’s mother has always been unsupportive and critical of her. Lately, she has given several ultimatums threatening she will refuse to come over for various family holiday gatherings. She “won’t come over” if we adopt two cats to be companions for our dog, or if we invite friends to Thanksgiving dinner, or if I invite any of my family for Christmas dinner. My partner says we should adopt the cats, invite our friends to Thanksgiving and have my family over for Christmas. If we do any of this, I fear we’ll never see her mother again. I feel torn.
Signed,
Torn between families
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might correctly respond that this is a terrorist-like grab for control and, while you should invite her over, you can’t let her take control of your pet or guest list. They might point out this is a “divide and conquer” technique and that if you give in to one unreasonable demand, such demands will multiply. So far, so good. But then such columnists might suggest that if you and your partner stay on the same page and remain firm, her mother could come around.
Not likely.
Your partner’s mother’s need to control is so extreme and abhorrent, the odds that its likely root isn’t alcoholism is near-zero. If correct, she is not likely to “come around” until clean and sober. If you’re thinking, “But she’s never stunk of alcohol!” consider the fact that a cocktail of psychotropic pharmaceutical drugs does the same thing: it fuels egomania, which in turn switches on a need to wield power over others. Control over others’ lives in ways such as she is trying to do with yours is just one of countless ways to wield power. The best thing you can do is assume alcohol (or other-drug addiction—it doesn’t matter which drug or drugs) and try to get your partner on board for an intervention with a qualified interventionist. Only then will you be dealing with the real mother, who will be far more amenable than the likely drug-addicted one with whom you are trying to reason, but can’t.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, November 14, 2012.)