A classic case of elder abuse
Dear Doug: Elder Abuse
Dear Doug:
In order to support our son, his wife and two children, my wife and I, both 76, still work. Our son just got laid off and his wife, who was supposed to go back to work when their first child entered Kindergarten, got pregnant again and, with the new baby, is unable to go back to work.
When our son was working, we had to help with $200-per-week day care for their older child and even more for the baby. When our son lost his job, we had to take over rent and car payments for which we had co-signed. They are behind on their utilities and have been threatened with being cut off, so we often pay the bills. We even help with groceries.
Our formerly pristine credit has been ruined. When we try to tell them this is too much for us, they become indignant. We have already used up our retirement savings helping them and the worrying is ruining our health. We don’t know what to do. Please help.
Signed,
Elderly Abused
. . . .
Dear Abused,
Other columnists might suggest that your son is living high on the hog relative to what he can afford and that as long as you play bailer, he’ll never learn he cannot get something for nothing. They’d tell you to stop the gravy train, to be unconcerned when they become indignant and to tell them to contact a credit counselor.
Other columnists would be missing the most likely root cause of the misbehaviors: addiction to a psychotropic drug. Let’s look at the behavioral clues.
First, you paid an extravagant amount for dependent care when your son was working and your daughter-in-law was a stay-at-home mom. Where is she during the daytime?
Second, your son lost his job. Third, the economy has been decent and if he was employed in one of the few weak sectors (manufacturing, real estate or construction), he should have been saving for a rainy day.
Fourth, it’s incredible they are indignant for the love and concern you have shown them. We give the benefit of the doubt by assuming one or both are addicts. If true, the “love”you have shown has been enabling, which has fueled their egos by granting them control. This has served only to guarantee that the misbehaviors continue.
While the uncompromising tough love I suggest in my book, Drunks, Drugs & Debits: How to Recognize Addicts and Avoid Financial Abuse, is the only love an addict will understand, without leverage it could take years or even decades for your son and daughter-in-law to get the message. You don’t have the luxury of waiting and, while you do, the children could be suffering from similar or worse psychological abuse. Therefore, the best thing you can do, for your sake, your son and daughter-in-law’s sake and, most important, for the sake of your grandchildren, is to first confirm addiction and then help create a crisis that forces them to get sober. Do everything you can to create pain in their lives, even to the point of seeking custody of your grandchildren. If there’s a reason to talk to your local Department of Children and Family Services and police, do so, alerting the latter to the possibility that your son or daughter-in-law is driving while under the influence, perhaps even with the children in tow.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, August 9, 2006.)