Racism…sexism…alcoholism…
Offensive friend of boyfriend
Dear Doug:
My boyfriend Jake and I each have friends the other doesn’t really like, which is normally ok with both of us. However, the most recently befriended”Tyson”is very offensive. He not only makes comments I find racist and sexist, but also drinks heavily.
Although I’ve told Jake my feelings, he’s hanging out with Tyson more frequently than ever”and worse, Jake seems to be trying to keep up with Tyson’s drinking. Jake said I should lighten up and just get to know his friend because he can be a “nice person.”What should I do?
Signed,
Jake’s”not Tyson’s”girl
. . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists (even Carolyn Hax) might suggest that you’ve made your point and should just wait and watch. They might tell you that after a failed period of trying to see Tyson’s better side, you should hold your boyfriend responsible for whom he befriends and his own behavior. And, you should be responsible for your choices in boyfriends.
Such columnists completely miss the point: the friend is an alcoholic and your boyfriend is either badly codependent or an alcoholic in his own right. Your observations are enough to suggest that you turn around and run the other way, before Tyson’s verbal abuse worsens or even becomes physical. After all, as stated many times in these pages, there is no way to predict how destructive the behaviors of a practicing alcoholic might become, or when.
As an aside, I would also suggest one of a number of observable indications to screen out prospective boyfriends. In a day and age in which racism and sexism have largely been relegated to the dust bins of history, as noted in myth # 65 in “Alcoholism Myths and Realities: Removing the Stigma of Society’s Most Destructive Disease” (“He’s no alcoholic; he’s just racistâ€), where such attitudes are on display, alcoholism is usually found. Addicts often hang out with other addicts. There’s no reason to become entangled, romantically or otherwise, with such people.
(Source for story idea: Carolyn Hax’s column,
September 17, 2008.)