A Gentleman and Abuser
Dear Doug: A gentleman and abuser
Dear Doug,
I have been married for three years to an admired member of the community who appears to others to be the consummate gentleman. While the compliments and attention are unending in public, he is abusive to my five children and me in private. He yells at the kids over nothing, monitors my phone calls, hides tape recorders in my car, hacks into my email and harasses me constantly to come inside when talking with my (female) neighbors.
When I finally got him to go for counseling, he smoothly told the counselor exactly what he wanted to hear. After filing a protective order against him for assault and battery, my children and I moved out. I don’t want to create trouble for him, but I tire of hearing people say that someone whom they think a saint has been unjustly accused. What should I say to them?
Signed, Harassed and Abused
. . . . . .
Dear Harassed and Abused,
Other columnists might suggest you say nothing because it’s not anyone else’s business and the truth will eventually surface. They would not even mention the possibility that alcoholism, which exists in 85% of cases of domestic violence, is the probable source of both verbal and physical abuse. While others might add that you could jeopardize yourself and your children if he learned you were publicizing his abuse, the truth of the matter is you are at risk regardless.
Allen Van Houte Blackthorne also was a respected member of the community. Like your husband, he put up a front that few penetrated. His former wife, Sheila Bellush, was trying to escape from his clutches when, in 1997, years after their divorce, she was brutally murdered for hire. As with Allen Blackthorne, alcohol and other drug addiction suggests there may be far worse behaviors than you have observed.
This suggests that the violence could escalate unpredictably. Everything possible needs to be done to “out” his secrets and impose consequences. In my opinion, you should consider taking extreme measures to protect you and your children.
Alcoholism and its symptomatic behaviors are everyone’s business. All-too-often, the truth surfaces after tragedy has occurred. Alcoholics are the world’s greatest salesmen and frequently make innocent people appear guilty. Talk to the police, dig into his past to see whether he can be held accountable for prior crimes and, while avoiding contact, record every conversation with him that you can.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, December 18, 2004.)