Undisciplined step-son is a likely addict
Dear Doug: Undisciplined son from a prior marriage
Dear Doug:
My wife and I have been married five years in what is for both of us a second marriage. Things have been good, except for problems created by her undisciplined 16-year old son who lives with us most of the time. Due to the fact that she never sticks with her weak attempts at discipline, the stress has been so great I have filed for divorce. While we love each other very much, we cannot live together. Is it ok to date your ex-spouse?
Signed, Wanna-Be Step-Dad
. . . . . .
Dear Wanna-Be,
Other columnists might suggest that you certainly can date your ex- or, for that matter, maintain separate households while married until her son is out of the house. However, that ignores the likely underlying core problem.
While there are no clues in your letter other than the lack of discipline in a son by a prior marriage, considering the apparent extreme misbehaviors I would give even odds on alcoholism in the son or the biological father. Since you aren’t likely to see any use of alcohol or other drugs by either, you need to ask about the possibility. Why did the marriage end? Was the father physically or verbally abusive to the mother or son? If he was, the odds of alcoholism are 80%. If alcoholism explains the divorce, the odds are 40% that the son has inherited the disease. At age 16, if he has inherited alcoholism, he’s probably already triggered it. In either case, alcoholism could be at the root of the problem behavior.
The best you can do if you confirm alcoholism in either father or son is to share with your wife information about the affliction that might help her understand that a lack of discipline only adds fuel to the fire. Such information is your best hope at giving her the courage to act firmly with her son, either intervening if he has inherited addiction or, perhaps, formulating a strategy to deal with the alcoholic father. This could include doing everything possible to prevent him from seeing his son until he has a period of proven sobriety.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, January 7, 2005.)
And, here’s a bonus one:
Lost daughter
Dear Doug:
My marriage to a violent abuser ended 10 years ago, when my daughter, “Trisha,” was five. Despite the abuse, I was told that I would destroy my relationship with Trisha if I blamed her father for the divorce. I have never talked with her about the abuse and have only encouraged her relationship with her father.
When her father was diagnosed with Hepatitis C a month ago, she moved into his house and now won’t speak to me. The court says she has a legal right to do what she wants. What can I do?
Signed, Distraught Mom
. . . . . .
Dear Distraught,
Other columnists might suggest that perhaps Trisha remembers the abuse, has felt ill will toward her father for many years and, now that he is dying, wants to pay amends for her own private feelings. Such columnists might suggest you simply tell Trisha that you understand and support her choice, and know what their reunion means to her.
However, your ex-husband is a likely addict. The crucial multiple choice question is, (1) has your daughter inherited the disease and knows she can get away with using under his nose, (2) is he now clean and she truly wants to support him, or (3) is she only enabling someone who, despite his secondary disease, is still a practicing addict? If the first answer is true, you need to intervene quickly and without compromise, doing everything in your power to coerce abstinence and inspire in her a need for recovery, including using the law to do so. If the second response is correct, you might consider educating your daughter about alcoholism with the goal of explaining that you, like almost everyone else, didn’t grasp the idea that addiction causes abusive behaviors, or you would have tried to coerce him into a program of sobriety. If the third, you should do everything in your power to have her removed from his home. While I cannot begrudge her for caring about her father, he has committed abuse before and easily could do so again if he is still using. Your daughter, if not an addict, needs to understand this.
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, January 6, 2005.)