Seven marriages and physical abuse–and not a word about alcoholism?!!!
Should I tell my 13-year-old granddaughter that her six-times divorced grandfather abused me?
Dear Doug:
I divorced my husband over 20 years ago because he mentally and physically abused me. He and his seventh wife attend family gatherings which, when too intimate, I refuse to attend. I have not and will not discuss this with my 40-year-old son, but wonder if I should tell my 13-year-old granddaughter the truth if she should ask.
Signed,
Single at 65
. . . . .
Dear Codependent,
Other columnists might rightly chastise you for refusing to discuss with your son the abuse at his father’s hands while showing a willingness to discuss it with a 13-year-old. However, they’d tell you the reason for not discussing it is that it’s not your grandchild’s business and it would put her in the awkward position of possibly having to choose between grandparents. They also would tell you that if you want to punish your ex-, tell his next wife about the abuse.
(I’d like to scream, “7th wife?! 7th wife?! How many other victims have there been over the decades?!!!” but I’ll be gentle.)
You need to go much further than this, as the underlying problem is potentially lethal to everyone around him, including your granddaughter.
As pointed out in Drunks, Drugs & Debits, which discusses a system of ratcheting up or down the odds of alcoholism based on behavior patterns, the likelihood is increased with each divorce. While the odds are 40% that one or the other party to any one divorce is alcohol or other-drug addicted, the chances that a person who has been married and divorced four times are about 85%. Further, Drunks reports studies showing that 80-90% of domestic violence is committed by alcoholics. Between the violence and his seven marriages, everyone around him is almost certainly suffering from his having the disease of alcoholism.
Addicts experience distortions of perception and memory and develop a need to inflate the ego, which requires the capricious wielding of power over others. We cannot predict over whom such power will be exercised, under what circumstances, or when. Because of the possibility that any addict could become a negative “black swan” (a high-impact hard-to-predict event) at any time, you, your son and, especially, your granddaughter are all at risk.
You need to come completely clean with your son about his father’s almost-certain alcoholism. He needs to understand that we cannot predict how destructive a practicing alcoholic might become or when and that addicts are capable of anything. He needs, also, to know that addiction runs in families and the 13-year-old is at risk of inheriting this horrific malady. Your granddaughter’s behaviors must be closely monitored and, if she shows indications of having inherited the disease, early intervention is a must if you hope to nip it in the bud before she repeatedly ruins relationships as her grandfather has clearly done.
(Source for story idea: Ask Amy, January 8, 2010.)