The Highly Successful Cocaine Addict
Dear Doug: I know he’s a drug addict, but…
Dear Doug:
My husband of six years, Tony, can be a great companion and provider. He is not only successful at his regular job, but also helps at home with chores and is terrific with my fifteen-year-old son. The problem is, Tony is a cocaine addict, which I had no idea of before we married.
While I want to help him deal with his 20-year problem, I sometimes wonder if I should just walk away. The confusion stems from the fact that while during his occasional binges our family life is disrupted, at other times Tony is wonderful. Still, I’m concerned that he does more harm than good for my son.
Signed, Occasionally Abused
. . . . . .
Dear Occasionally,
Other columnists might suggest that if Tony proves unable to control his “habit,” you should leave him, but first give Nar-Anon a chance. This suggests that Nar-Anon and similar programs (such as Al-Anon) for those living with addicts could show you how to continue living with the practicing addict, which would be a gross disservice to both you and your son.
Programs for codependents should show the boundary line at, “no use, or you’re out,” period. Unfortunately, they often show a way to ignore the addict’s misbehaviors. Even if you can detach from the abuse (which no doubt exists to some degree), a child is far less likely to be able to do so without grave emotional damage.
There is little doubt that Tony, like most addicts, is a fundamentally good person. However, while on his binges, we cannot predict how destructive his behaviors may become, or when. He may go on for decades simply doing the things that “disrupt” your family, including the infliction of verbal abuse, failing to keep promises, adultery and showing up for engagements late, if at all. On the other hand, he may become physically abusive at the drop of a pin, and financial abuse may occur from which extricating yourself could take years. The correct response, then, is to offer Tony the choice of rehab, emphasizing that because you love him you will be there for him, or leaving today (not tomorrow). Attending Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings will help you get the “feel” for addiction needed for support in setting this one essential boundary, as will reading my first book, “Drunks, Drugs & Debits.”
(Source for story idea: Annie’s Mailbox, December 18, 2004.)
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Alcoholic Myth-of-the-Month: “Excessive alcohol consumption causes addiction.”
“Because excessive alcohol consumption can be harmful — causing addiction… — most doctors say it is never a good idea to tell a non-drinking patient to start consuming alcohol. Although most people can drink responsibly, it is impossible to know which patient may eventually start to abuse alcohol as a result of moderate daily consumption.”
So said columnist Tara Parker-Pope in her column, “Health Journal,” in “The Wall Street Journal” (December 28, 2004). While doctors should generally refrain from suggesting that patients begin drinking, cause and effect are reversed. Excessive alcohol consumption does not cause addiction; rather, once triggered, addiction causes excessive alcohol consumption. Alcoholics do not “abuse” alcohol as a result of moderate use; their inherited addiction not only allows, but also impels excessive use.
Getting it backwards perpetuates the myth that alcoholics are weak of character and that if we can only “teach” alcoholics to control their use, they will be normal drinkers. It also can encourage many of those with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism to try the drug; after all, no adolescent thinks he cannot control himself.
The conflict stems from the fact that numerous studies have reported far lower risk of heart disease among moderate drinkers than non-drinkers. However, “moderate” is defined in such studies as only one-half to one drink per day (one drink = 1.5 ounces 80-proof liquor, 5 ounces wine or 12 ounces beer).
The trouble with alcohol as with every prescription drug and, for that matter, every tool in the broadest sense of the term, is it can be used and misused. There are both good effects and side effects. Alcohol, like other drugs capable of causing distortions of perception and memory in susceptible individuals (“psychotropic drugs”), can cause some people to act destructively toward others. My suggested caution on the warning labels of alcoholic beverages (a variation from the back cover of Get Out of the Way!) is apropos: “Caution: Use of this drug may cause destructive behaviors directed toward family members, friends, coworkers and others, known — or unknown.”